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What to do next?

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I am sitting down in my dining room, listening to the TV and looking out the window. It’s a beautiful day, the sun is out and I feel useless.  Why?  Because right now I am unemployed and I’ve been looking for work since December. I thought that by now I was going to be working, but it’s been 11 weeks now that I’ve been without a job and it is frustrating.

I’m trying my best to be strong, keep it together and most of all to trust God and trust that he will help me. All this time he has provided for me so I don’t know why I’m stressing so much. He will provide for me like he always has.

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I guess I’m worried about what people are going to say about me or think about me, having pity for me for not having a job, and I also worry about not being able to buy stuff that I want or not being able to repair the car or the house, which both need a little work. Other than that I have what I need and I have some savings to get me through a couple of months.  Thankfully I don’t have children right now, so I only have to take care of myself and my 2 dogs.

But I want to work, feel useful to society and I want to earn money with hard work, like I’ve always had. It’s not easy looking for a job, going to interviews hoping they’ll call you and later be disappointed because they chose someone else or removed the position you applied for. Getting your resume all doll’d up for nothing and fixing your hair and makeup to look neat and end up coming out of the place with long face, lost eyes and kicking pebbles on the ground trying to figure out what the hell you’ll do next.

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I pray the Lord to help me keep my peace of mind and to help me get hired somewhere. I feel like I’ve wasted 2 months this year so far and I feel like I’ve wasted my life. I should’ve picked a good profession to study and stay in that field. I think by now I would’ve had my own house, bills payed, nice amount of cash in my savings account and having everything I needed and wanted.

I feel like I’ve let down God, my family, my friends, and most of all myself. I’ve let myself down.   They say my life was already written before I was born, but I guess the only good thing about it was that I would help people as much as I could and have them rely on me whenever they needed a hand.  I am caring, loving, helpful, hard worker, honest, a good friend, a good daughter, granddaughter, sister, girlfriend, but I wasn’t good at making life choices when going to college, because there my friends is when life creeps up behind you and strikes you in the back.

I could’ve been better, but here I am sitting writing this, trying to figure out my next move.

How miserable…

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What is Love?

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So February is here…February the month of love. And I ask myself what is love?

To me love is giving your all to someone and losing yourself in them. From the moment you realize you’re in love and you want that person to stay beside you forever, you’re inviting happiness and hope in, as well as pain and heartache into your life. You invite the unwanted torments of fear, hate, jealousy, envy, unfaithfulness and insecurity. You invite the one you love into your life and give them your heart to break, and you invite everything and everyone that came before you and that want nothing but to see your relationship crumble to the ground.

Love changes you for better or worse; it blinds you to the bad things and fills your heart with warmth and excitement. Love makes you feel like you would give up your own life for that special someone. You put them above everything and everyone else, even if you know you’ll stay empty handed when they leave. You don’t mind doing things for them, because it’s the only way to show them how much you care for them.

You love them enough to marry them, or you love them enough to let them go and let them be happy on their own.

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You learn to live without them, but you never forget them.

You love without realizing that when they leave, they’ll take a piece of you with them that might never come back, and you’ll never be the same again. You think of them everyday, all the time and as the years go by, you still remember them every once in a while. A song reminds you of them, a smell, a place…they stay connected with you forever, no matter how many lovers you have after them. You can be in the most perfect relationship in your life and they will always pop up in your mind. It was the one relationship that hurt you the most but that was the most truest of them all.

You love them even when it’s over…no matter the years, the people, the places…you still think about them every day.

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That to me is love.

2018

In a couple of days 2018 will arrive. I have very high hopes for this new year and I really want it to be a happy new year. I can’t wait for the wonderful things I know the Lord has for me. New job opportunities, new dreams, new experiences, travels, and enjoying each day as if it was my last.

I’m hungry for success, for new things and I’m hungry for peace of mind. I feel anxious as I write this because I know amazing things will happen this year; I can feel it deep down and I can’t wait.

What is to be 30?

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I recently turned 30 and have realized that some things in my life have changed like habits or likes and dislikes or I understand life a little more. These are:

The ones that are not there, don’t matter at all. They are the in the past, they are gone. What matters is what is happening now and who is by your side. Keep going forward.

I want a job that makes me happy; and although I need the money to survive, I rather have a crappy income and be happy at work, than work my ass off and be sour just to earn some extra bucks. My peace of mind is more important.
I don’t crave sugar so much anymore.

I don’t have a boyfriend, I have a partner. Someone that backs me up and supports me. Is with me in good times and bad times and we look forward to the future together.

I’m strong, more than I think and I can survive this life.
I would like to have more material things, but if I can’t, I won’t get mad because in the end I can’t take it to my grave.

I’ve come a long way. This is the youngest I’ll be and the oldest I’ll ever get.

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image courtesy of http://www.google.com

Here comes round 2

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And let the fight begin….

Round 2: Hurricane Maria; yes another one.

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So last week we got our electricity back due to Hurricane Irma and it’s aftermath, and tomorrow (Tuesday) we are getting the visit of another hurricane called Maria.

Are you kidding me? There are still people in the island getting over the devastation Irma caused and now they gotta get ready for another.  Still electricity hasn’t come to some places and there are still trees fallen on the ground.  People are making wonders with what little money they have left.  Honestly at this point, I’m not even getting bothered to think about Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I can’t think about wasting more money on unnecessary stuff.  And not to mention I have a trip coming in December and my credit card is halfway it’s max.  I’m so fudged…

All this weekend I was preparing again with supplies, I’m already thinking I might become an expert in hurricane survival.  Although it helps that I live far for the water and I live in a concrete house which save me from having my room flying away with the winds, but where I live it’s pretty safe.

Hope nothing bad happens again.  Last time we just had fallen trees in my area but everyone was safe.   May God be with us again.

*images courtesy of http://www.google.com

Not strong enough

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If there was a zombie apocalypse, I wouldn’t last a week without getting eaten; and if I did, I would die of hunger or thirst because I would not go outside to get food in order to avoid getting bitten.

I had such a hard time this past week after hurricane Irma, I cannot find where to begin.  First the lights went out hours before the hurricane arrived.  Luckily I was prepared with flashlights, candles, and matches for this matter.

Water kept working which was helpful.  I was able to wash the dishes, clothes by hand and keep the house clean.  I had no internet or cable service and I was find with this.  I took this time to write my thoughts, use coloring books and listen to a battery radio.

For the first 2 days I ate Chef Boyardee, ham and cheese sandwich, some rice I had left over with chicken and to finish de dairy products, I had cereal.  Then I found a mini gas stove which helped me to heat up some food: more Chef Boyardee, more sandwiches to finish up the cold items and pancakes.  I ate some food outside in a cafeteria nearby to get a break and relax a little.

I managed to keep my phone’s battery between 80% and 100% by setting it on ultra battery saving mode and just had it in hand for emergency calls or texts.  No Facebook or Instagram for me that week, at least until electricity came back.  I had to charge my phone at work the days I was on shift and in the car or at friends’ house.

But the most challenging thing was ICE.  Ice, ice baby.  Oh my God. I was fine for the first 2 days and then panic set in.  Ice machines all over town were empty, markets, stores, gas stations had all sold out of ice and the only option was to travel like 30 minutes or more to other towns.  Ice was no where to be found except for those that gad generators.

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I decided to give up on ice and give up on my grocery and drink tap water as it was: WARM.   I feel so ashamed of myself because I know people live like this everyday and I can’t even stand being a week like this without electricity, a fridge and a fan to cool off; me and many others.

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Talking about fan, just as I was writing this, my neighbor decided to pass me an extension chord from his generator so I could plug in a fan to sleep for the night.  Hallelujah!  So that night  I’ slept comfy in the living room (that’s how far the chord reached) but it will be better than having another sleepless night because of the heat.  The night before, a friend offered me to stay at her house since the electricity had been re-established in her community, and me being so dumb decided to stay home becase I tough the electricity would come back during the night: ERRR big mistake.  That night was the most hottest night ever!!!!  and no electricity still.

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Electricity did came back the day after and I was so happy.  I felt normal again; part of a civilization.  Being without electricity makes you think back to the stone age, where human raze had to fight for survival and were starting to learn about fire and all that crap, I felt like that.  We’re so used to the commodities of this life that for some of us it’s not easy to keep up with survival skills.

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I think I did pretty well considering the fact that I was on my own and had no family with me at home, but others might think different; I don’t care.

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Thanks to the people that helped me in one way or the other without me asking for it.  I hate asking for help but the Lord touched their hearts thankfully!

P.S. my prayers go out to those struck by hurricane Harvey and Irma